Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
congratulations to them
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.