[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
This forever.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*