BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
You Might Also Like
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total