I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Watermelon Boss!
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.