Me trying to walk in a dream
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.