Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.