Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
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Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up