I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
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#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*weighs self after shaving
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.