My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.