Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.