Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
You Might Also Like
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I hope google does well on my son’s test
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.