Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
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We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
repaired
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.