[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD