Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.