Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
these two trucks have the same bed length
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.