So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?