If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
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It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.