*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You Might Also Like
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
just make the entire table out of coaster
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat