Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
🐕🍷
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.