If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*