My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
There are usually two types of merchants.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
some Old Testament wisdom
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?