Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”