I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
good for her
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.