Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon