It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.