*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Oh we’ve met.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!