i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?