“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Meanwhile in Portland…
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.