Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
cats when you pet them too long: