“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
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I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I need better friends
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Pandas 🐼🖤
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.