“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years