My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Yes, but it was never about money
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.