Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea