HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
reviewed some movies recently