My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed