[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
every single time
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.