Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’d … I’d rather not.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard