Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.