When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
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[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
life finds a way
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒