Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
You Might Also Like
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
True
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
That stupid look on my face, is my face
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident