When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all