You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
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you’re so productive for your wage
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.