Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building