[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.