So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
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I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.