Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
me, too, girl. me, too.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.