Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer