I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
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Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
S M O L
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled