Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
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if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.