*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.